Dissociate

combined fluff compressed

Body Fog

Heavy

Body sink deeper

sink deeper into bed or floor or tub

sink until stuck

stuck cannot move

Safe here?

safe when mom call me

when mom say come see me

eat with me

we missed you Saturday

now Monday day come see me

now Monday night come see me

Tuesday morning come see me?

Safe here?

Safe here when stuck?

Body fog sudden

Dissociate sudden

Mom really says

come calm me

come heal me

come tell me I’m ok

tell me I did ok as your Mom.

You didn’t

I get why you didn’t but it doesn’t take away the didn’t

No didn’ts turn to dids when you add wooden hanger beatings from your mom and no i love yous

I’m lucky you don’t beat me?

not ok

It would be better if I shot you?

not ok

I hurt you more than you hurt me

not ok

nothing ok

Safe here?

I’m not your healer

not your calmer.

not your person to tell you that you’re doing ok

that’s you.

I do that for myself. That’s me.

but when I tell you “no” (Safe here?)

then body fog.

body fog comes over me sunk into floor comes over me fire in my heart, nowhere to flee because it’s inside of me

But fire in my heart

I can now tell myself

Is not real fire.

No matter how many times you yell FIRE

I can look inside and see peace.

Calm.

Water.

 

 

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